IC journal [Phanrift]

[founderinglight]

 Dated (local calendar); kept in Armiger

Unless otherwise noted, written in Ancient Lucian (that is, Latin); those who read the language will be able to read the entries without any trouble, but anyone else needs to actively concentrate on what they're reading for the translation magic to kick in.

Comments

May 24th

[founderinglight]

Near a month since I last put pen to these pages. I do not think that bodes anything in particular, but that is a rather poor habit.

I continue to feel lighter and steadier than before, though I think it was good to switch away from the first medication. Simply wasn't doing the job, at least not in the right way. This one is still settling in, but I think it much better.

It is almost shocking how reassuring it was to be able to work things out with Prompto, in comparison to my relationship with Ardyn, which remains not much less messy and fraught than it was. It is a thing that interrupts the patterns of thought that swirl in my head so frequently even now, that say that making things right is impossible to achieve. It cuts through the voice that says attempting at all is meaningless.

And so if it is worth it to try, then I keep going.

Ardyn's retainers continue to be a stubborn, troublesome group, on the other hand, though at least Junpei and Arianna are willing to tolerate me without barbs so long as we avoid the delicate subjects. The rest, by and large, are a complicated matter.

... Well, admittedly, there is a simple word apparently for what my relationship with Heart seems to be veering towards, but I'll be damned if I admit it and eat my words about humans and black romance so easily. (Though, if he isn't human, does it even count? It remains embarrassing, at any rate.)

(Return to this tangent later.)

And finally I've met the last, or at least the last Ardyn has admitted to, and he's... very much as described. I admit, I find it hard to see what Ardyn sees in him, though that may just be that he's on his worst behaviour around me.

I can admit now that I'm jealous. Not just of the way they focus in on each other, instantly intent, but just of how they fit together. To the me who wants to be known, that is the most enviable thing.

Even if he is a bit...

Well.

I suppose my little moon is no better. My heart now is wary, knowing not how to judge the feelings of others. It does not wish to give again to no return, so thank you for that, brother.

(Read with bitterness.)

Aside that...

Can we be called human any longer, the two of us, living so long? And what of that soul of mine, still wearing the shape of armor? That is a thought that will not yet leave my mind, in the wake of that transformation and the word of a world where people become monsters. It weighs on me, the difference between body and mind. Or soul, or however you wish to judge.

Ardyn was happy to be human again. I will not weigh on him with this. But he also thought I would care that Heart is not...? Stupid anaia. It doesn't matter one whit to me. A person is a person.

A matter for another time, I suppose. I've gone on long enough already.

Until the next, then.