IC journal [Phanrift]

[founderinglight]

 Dated (local calendar); kept in Armiger

Unless otherwise noted, written in Ancient Lucian (that is, Latin); those who read the language will be able to read the entries without any trouble, but anyone else needs to actively concentrate on what they're reading for the translation magic to kick in.

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Spring 40th (May 1st)

[founderinglight]

[The language here is mostly coherent again, yay! There's the occasional wrong-language word, but for the most part he's gotten a handle on it again.]

And now is the time to put my thoughts here and attempt to make them take some semblance of order again.

Though previous entry stands, I think, aside from the attempt to punch myself. Ah, well, I'm sure Ardyn will handle that part well enough.

Some of what I've had to deal with in the last few days has made me feel quite terminally stupid. I suppose that's only to be expected, given the nature of the task.

But I still feel... lighter, and not simply for having the burden of all of those secrets off my shoulders. They are out in the wild now, to breed as they will; so long as they remain somewhat related to the truth instead of mutating into rumor, I wash my hands of them. Let them judge me according to the truth of the matter.

...I say that, but I doubt it shall be any easier to speak of it than it has been in the past. My impulse to leave some final will wasn't entirely misplaced, however. It is reassuring that someone else knows.

And that none turned away, not even Junpei. I think that was as frightening as facing it myself - the idea that I would lose those things that I hold most precious in this place. I think that fear was controlling me as much as any sense of guilt, considering.

I didn't even realize that the anger was an issue. That I had simply been pushing it all down for so long. Now all the little frustrations feel fit to explode at the slightest push. I intend to speak with Ardyn once I've cleaned up a bit and settled my empty stomach; hopefully that will help.

Even I cannot remember the last time we truly fought, which I imagine means it is very much past due. I'm almost looking forward to it.

As to the rest -

"Giving the future to those who want to see it is everything." Those are the words I wind myself circling back to, now. Because for the first time I feel that there is a future to be seen in the first place.

I want to reach it. I want to see what that future holds, even if it's not what I envision. After so long in the dark, it's quite the new and terrifying prospect.

And I want to do right by all of you. I won't allow myself to be chained down by my own guilt any longer, but that doesn't mean that the people who have come and gone do not matter. Perhaps it is silly when the chances are that we shall never meet again, but -

Even if I am very late in coming to it, I will be the kind of king you can respect, instead of one who merely acts the part while hiding his shame.

Also, a final note to myself: Neurotransmitters are bullshit. Get medication.