Before we attempt this, I ought take the chance to write my thoughts down one more time. Both to look back upon, and in case... Something should happen. Not that I do not trust those here, but accidents do happen.
Today shall be an extremely difficult day. But I have made my resolve and I will not flinch back at the threshold, not even from myself.
For those I love, even if not for myself. I want to stop hurting them. If nothing else at all comes of this venture then I will be satisfied, no matter how difficult the road becomes.
I am tired of being jealous. I am tired of wanting without any idea of how to reach. I am tired of feeling separate from the world. Of being a ghost and a puppet.
For those who look on ahead to the future - I will do right by you.
Now, then...
I am, and remain, angry at that boy. I think in fact that it is the most angry I have been since arriving here. It is clear that he has no experience in dealing with the way a wholly irrational fear justifies itself in the mind, and the fear of this being another... killing game is more than justified in the new arrivals.
It doesn't matter if you think it stupid, you brat, not when there are people who have that experience right in front of you saying that it helps them, that they find it reassuring. It is not for you, no more than are the lights I keep at night in my room.
I did tell Heart that I cannot help but grow angry when my people are threatened. And though I do not have that common experience with them, I cannot but feel that both Ardyn's family and those boys are such. It is such a small accomodation and it does no harm to anyone else, save perhaps raising awkward questions.
Perhaps I do have some fire left after all.
...Ardyn remembers nothing, of Before. Not our childhood, not of me, not of anything. All he remembered, by his own words, was that I was someone he once trusted.
That is painful beyond measure. Not just that those memories I hold most precious are gone from him, but that
If I am to face it in an hour I may as well yet face it now.
That his memory is of me as someone he trusted, yet he did not trust me enough to tell me the true nature of his power. That is nothing but salt in the wound, already painful enough on its own. Much difficulty as I have recalling myself from those times, I must truly be not but a specter of horror to him, with even that removed.
He thinks of me as someone he once trusted. How very much that hurts. Twould be easier to bear if he had claimed no memory of me at all. At least that would be a fresh start.
I am the only person who remembers.
That too is painful, and, I think, the reason I ultimately requested Junpei for this little expedition. I do not want to be the only one who knows. I do not want to be alone with that knowledge.
It destroys me enough as it is. Left alone with it, I fear that it would bite me to death and consume me entirely.
And so, and so, and so
The first time was an accident.
If I should not return and instead this journal be left as my last testament, if things should get out of hand and the worst happen -
I am guilty of 37 fratricides, but only 36 executions. (Six times six, it takes no genius to figure that out.)
The first time was an accident.
I never meant to hurt you.
You were my wonderful elder brother, and I would have done anything for you. Losing you would have destroyed me even if it were not by my hand.
What you did at the Wall was simply full circle. What the fallen king gave was no less than what the healer took away.
Do you remember? The late stage of Scourge infection that brings about fever and delirium? Do you at least remember that, if not me in a sickbed, suddenly restored to health and springing at nightmares I thought were real?
It was an accident. I would never hurt you. Even now, even then -
I couldn't fight against it. Not knowing it was you. Even a hollowed-out creature of the Ring, I would never hurt you. I loved you. Now, and even then.
I never betrayed you; I would have betrayed anything for you.
What is love? The most dangerous force in the world, when it is the only thing you can feel. Even the memory of it can destroy a man, a nation, in an instant, be it twisted black or pure bright blue. And yet, and yet, the only thing worth living for.
I love you, anaia. Even then, always then, and even now.
But if I do not do this, then the wound of you not loving me - of not even a memory of love - will kill me as surely as the Scourge.
Spring 37th [April 28]
Today shall be an extremely difficult day. But I have made my resolve and I will not flinch back at the threshold, not even from myself.
For those I love, even if not for myself. I want to stop hurting them. If nothing else at all comes of this venture then I will be satisfied, no matter how difficult the road becomes.
I am tired of being jealous. I am tired of wanting without any idea of how to reach. I am tired of feeling separate from the world. Of being a ghost and a puppet.
For those who look on ahead to the future - I will do right by you.
Now, then...
I am, and remain, angry at that boy. I think in fact that it is the most angry I have been since arriving here. It is clear that he has no experience in dealing with the way a wholly irrational fear justifies itself in the mind, and the fear of this being another... killing game is more than justified in the new arrivals.
It doesn't matter if you think it stupid, you brat, not when there are people who have that experience right in front of you saying that it helps them, that they find it reassuring. It is not for you, no more than are the lights I keep at night in my room.
I did tell Heart that I cannot help but grow angry when my people are threatened. And though I do not have that common experience with them, I cannot but feel that both Ardyn's family and those boys are such. It is such a small accomodation and it does no harm to anyone else, save perhaps raising awkward questions.
Perhaps I do have some fire left after all.
...Ardyn remembers nothing, of Before. Not our childhood, not of me, not of anything. All he remembered, by his own words, was that I was someone he once trusted.
That is painful beyond measure. Not just that those memories I hold most precious are gone from him, but that
If I am to face it in an hour I may as well yet face it now.
That his memory is of me as someone he trusted, yet he did not trust me enough to tell me the true nature of his power. That is nothing but salt in the wound, already painful enough on its own. Much difficulty as I have recalling myself from those times, I must truly be not but a specter of horror to him, with even that removed.
He thinks of me as someone he once trusted. How very much that hurts. Twould be easier to bear if he had claimed no memory of me at all. At least that would be a fresh start.
I am the only person who remembers.
That too is painful, and, I think, the reason I ultimately requested Junpei for this little expedition. I do not want to be the only one who knows. I do not want to be alone with that knowledge.
It destroys me enough as it is. Left alone with it, I fear that it would bite me to death and consume me entirely.
And so, and so, and so
The first time was an accident.
If I should not return and instead this journal be left as my last testament, if things should get out of hand and the worst happen -
I am guilty of 37 fratricides, but only 36 executions. (Six times six, it takes no genius to figure that out.)
The first time was an accident.
I never meant to hurt you.
You were my wonderful elder brother, and I would have done anything for you. Losing you would have destroyed me even if it were not by my hand.
What you did at the Wall was simply full circle. What the fallen king gave was no less than what the healer took away.
Do you remember? The late stage of Scourge infection that brings about fever and delirium? Do you at least remember that, if not me in a sickbed, suddenly restored to health and springing at nightmares I thought were real?
It was an accident. I would never hurt you. Even now, even then -
I couldn't fight against it. Not knowing it was you. Even a hollowed-out creature of the Ring, I would never hurt you. I loved you. Now, and even then.
I never betrayed you; I would have betrayed anything for you.
What is love? The most dangerous force in the world, when it is the only thing you can feel. Even the memory of it can destroy a man, a nation, in an instant, be it twisted black or pure bright blue. And yet, and yet, the only thing worth living for.
I love you, anaia. Even then, always then, and even now.
But if I do not do this, then the wound of you not loving me - of not even a memory of love - will kill me as surely as the Scourge.